What a Pisser!

My good friend Larry is in town for his customary mid-summer business trip. After a couple of lonely nights without his main squeeze Jo, Larry decided to stop by a local club for a few drinks. As he entered the boisterous, chemically induced energy of GRUNGE, lights started flashing, sirens went off, and a spotlight brought everyone’s attention to Larry. And everyone began cheering. It seems that he was the club’s 10,000th visitor this year, entitling him to a free lap dance by Biggest Loser runner-up, Thighs Thigpen. The caveat, however, was that the dance was going to be performed on a bicycle seat.

When the weight of all this spandex-encased Jello was compressed onto that one-inch wide seat, it caused Larry to experience a testicular trauma, resulting in a ruptured blood vessel in his prostate. So, what started out as a few drinks in Cougar-Town ends up being an admission to Sarasota Hospital’s ER.

The doctor, eager to determine the extent of the damage, decided on a camera probe to get up close and personal, so to speak. I can understand employing a high definition camera, but the zoom lens was overkill. Once Dr. Death diagnosed the extent of the damage, he ordered an irrigation procedure to stop the bleeding and cleanse the organs. This treatment was achieved by the rectal insertion of a 10” Rainbird oscillating spray nozzle attached to a backflow valve. Being a green facility, Sarasota Hospital uses only reclaimed water for these procedures. And as soon as his urine is clear he will be released.

As of today, Larry is lying in a puddle of pond scum, with water leaking out of every orifice in his body, but his stream is still the color of lipstick. If it doesn’t clear up soon, he may have to switch to a drip irrigation system. That gets installed in another place.

Pray for Larry as he pisses away his days in Sarasota.