Most of you have been wondering why I act the way I do.
And the rest of you are just too polite to ask.

It’s not easy growing up in an Italian immigrant family that strongly preferred
beer over wine.

I never recovered from the first glass. I still can’t drink the stuff.

And since I couldn’t get into beer, my father tried another way to make
a man out of me.

Now this was something I could get into!

I thought I had seen it all until I met Marylou Sorrentino. She showed me what a lip-lock was.

After she moved out of the neighborhood, I got into masturbation.
But that didn’t satisfy me.

So, I started putting moves on Serena McCormack.

She was OK, but her mom was really hot.

After Serena’s father caught us on the beach and kicked the hell out of me,
I went back to girls my own age.

You mean that’s what guys spend their whole life chasing?
Maybe I’ll try beer again.